Jane - Thirty three years of gratitude, wonderful inspiration folks!

Thank you all for such great birthday wishes. It has certainly warmed my heart.



Yesterday was the big day…and I lost track of what day it was as I worked around the house, finally taking down the Christmas decorations. (the first time since we have been married that job wasn't done by January 6) I was in bed last night, all achy from hauling lots of crates back up the stairs, and sore from some other stuff that is going on…when there was a commercial on for a local restaurant. I thought, hmm, wouldn't that be nice to have an excuse to go out to eat. Then the wheels started to turn…"Wait a minute, I have a birthday soon. Say, what day is this?" I thought and thought, but could not remember for the life of me. I finally had to get up and come in to the computer to check the date. Sure enough, I almost missed my birthday.



When I got back in bed, I thought about how very different that scenario was from my first few birthdays. On the first one…I knew to the instant when it would be…and not for a second that entire week did I loose track of the day. I felt as though I was nearly holding my breath waiting for that year to happen.



I usually do begin to reflect back over my sobriety sometime in December, just because the "big day" is nearing. With all of our health issues, and Christmas, some of my reflecting got lost in the turmoil I was feeling. In spite of feeling totally overwhelmed a good bit of last month…and even into the first week of January…I have an underlying serenity that can only come from this program.



In the early days of my sobriety…there was little serenity, underlying or on the surface. Living with my parents, and my children left me with built in baby sitters, so I could take all of that craziness that lived inside me to lots of meetings, about 9 every week. I had two sponsors, one for working the steps and one for all of the little everyday crap that went on in my head.



My "step" sponsor was a gentleman who was grandfatherly with over 20 years of sobriety. He pushed me to work on my 5th and 6th steps. It was his belief that if I was to have a chance at a strong, successful sobriety it was truly necessary to clean house, and to continue to take personal inventory and when wrong promptly admit it. WOW! What an order….I was afraid that I could not live up to that. But when I took it one step at a time, the miracle happened. I have often heart people say…"just stick around long enough for the miracle to happen," and I was just lucky enough to do just that. I say lucky, because it was not from major effort on my part, although I did learn to follow orders (at least where the program was concerned), I know it was not from my efforts alone.



My sobriety is a gift, the most precious gift that was bestowed upon me by my Higher Power. What I do with it…is my gift back to Him.



In the past 33 years, I have experienced fears, some of which have been mountainous, joys, sorrow from the loss of loved ones, and just about anything else you can think of. Always through all of the things that have happened to me, I have had a strong support system. It is the Twelve Steps, this program, and fellow AA's. Sometimes I have had to lean very heavily on all of those things, other times they just kind of surround me like a comfy robe.



Thirty-three years ago, I shook all day every day. I could not bear to be alone with myself. I was filled with guilt and shame. My drinking had taken me to a place (within myself) that I could not face myself in a mirror. A friend took a picture of me sometime within the first 6 months of my sobriety…he handed me a stack of photos. Knowing there were a couple of shots of me in the batch…I leafed through the stack.. I had to go through that stack of pictures three times before I found the ones with me in them. I finally found them because of recognizing the dress I was wearing. I was shocked to find the person wearing my dress was attractive, when I still felt so ugly inside.



Lots of steps, lots of sponsors (since I moved a lot) and lots of years later find me OK with me. I can spend hours and days alone in my own company. I have serenity in my heart, if not always in my life. (hope that makes some kind of sense) When all of the doctors I saw in 2005 thought I had pancreatic cancer, and almost certain killer, I admit I had a hard time with it…but I also found peace with it prior to the surgery. When Charlie was diagnosed with the blockage that required his by-pass surgery, I had fears…but I also felt some peace. There was a lot less peace when he had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance just before Thanksgiving. BUT…and that is a big but… I had people to call for support, all of them AA's. I had this forum in which to share my fears. You, along with my sponsors gave me the support I needed.



Life is never all peaches and cream. All of the ups and downs are life. AA has taught me how to live life on life's terms. The steps are the tools I needed to learn how to grow up and accept responsibilities. As a ski instructor, the tools of my profession are my skis, poles, etc. As a member of AA the tools are the steps, and my sponsors. Yea, I still have two sponsors, just in case I can't get hold of one…the other is almost always available. It is a plan that has worked well for me for the past 33 years, and for that I am very grateful.



I almost always introduce myself as a 'grateful alcoholic' when in the context of meetings. Yes, I am grateful for my sobriety. But, I am also grateful for my alcoholism…strange to say, but true. Without the obvious symptoms of my alcoholism, I never would have found this program. Without this program, I most certainly never would have lived this long…and I would have lived a most miserable short life. So, maybe you can see why I have gratitude for both.



Another one of my "gratefuls" is for my group. Thanks so much for all of the support you have offered over the past few years. This group has been a lifeline for me.



Love and Hugs,
Jane - Western Australia