Jim S: I know now that God, my Higher Power now as I understand Him intervened

Hi all, Jim S; a drunk from the US here. How's everyone?

I noticed there seems to be a shortage of stories, and want to do all I can to carry the message, so here I am you lucky cusses you. lol

Like so many of us, starting at a very young age I began to be abused. At first it was "just" sexual, then in later years physically and emotionally. I was about 5 when it all started.

I really believe that I found escapes from the abuse in my head. Really pretty much a lot of the time lost my grip on reality. My parents and others never were there for me.

When I was about 14 or so, I started hitting the bottle. It's what my "friends" were doing and I needed to feel like I belonged and was accepted somewhere.
A couple of times, I tried to fit in with the "other crowd"--- the ones not raising hell and not getting in trouble of all kinds. But it just didn't work as I was too much of an outlaw and they wanted no part of me--frigging snobs lol.

I had been drinking a short time before I started having blackouts, was told by the gang that was just a part of drinking--went with the territory, and if I wanted to be part of the gang I was gonna have to drink. That made sense to me, so that's what I did.

Then a "friend" and i started stealing cars. Eventually got caught up with and spent a few years in a reformatory. Didn't do me much good. It was easy enough to escape, break into stores for beer and wine, grab a car first, and be gone for days, usually before getting caught.When threatened enough times with real hard time in state prison, I started cooling it for awhile--until I was paroled.

To make a longer story shorter, the next few years I was in and out of trouble with the law, and at times, myself for pulling the crap I was pulling--at times anyway I had a conscience, but it was more important to be drinking, and in later years drugging as well. Even through it all, i was in a lot of mental/emotional pain. Make of that what you want to.

My mom who had been there to not only abuse me, but to pay my fines etc; died when I was 21. I collected a lot of insurance money. Between alcohol, fast women and fast cars, the money was gone in a few months or so. (One night when drinking, I tried to shoot her, but somehow missed. But the crap stopped which is what I really wanted the most.)

I got marrried the first time in 1964. The marriage didn't last but a couple of years or less. Even then I was, being typical alcoholic, destroying relationships.
My drinking at that time--I could somehow take it or leave it. Naturally most of the time I took it. What else? lol--not

Anyway, before she ( my ex now) dumped me, i went to my very first AA meeting. But that was just to get an old drinking buddy off my back--damn! he was heavy by then . chuckle But--the seed was planted even though I was soooo in denial . duh

From 1966 when my ex dumped me until 1968 I somehow managed to hold down a steady job. But by then I was drinking much more than before. I wasn't paying my bills or child support even tho I was jailed for not paying the child support.

Then the geographical "cures" started, plus the law was after me again, as was my boss who I found out later was talking about my drinking with the doctor and his wife who had been sober a long time through AA. He was my doctor since I was a kid, and also was a family friend. It was his wife who was in AA..

In early 1969 I found my way back to AA for about 8 or 9 months. I didn't drink during that time. But my priorities got screwed up and I started drinking. duh

Eventually the suicide attempts and mental hospitals started in. From then--late 1969 to 1974, i pretty much drifted around the country. By this time I was getting social security, so I had both money, and time on my hands. I couldn't have bought a job if I'd wanted to.

In 1973, I settled down in the midwest for awhile. Shacked up with a women I met when she and I were in a state hospital. Eventually she dumped me because of my drinking. Which was "just" occasional by this time. Looking back now, the fun had pretty much gone out of the drinking and drugging. I was going to meetings off and on--mostly off. Was'nt drinking every day then--big deal.

But, one hot, humid summer night in July of 1973 things came to a head. Things had got so bad I was carrying a loaded handgun around with me where ever I went--bar hopping, to bed to pass out (sleep) ho ho.
I had decided that "if things got bad enough" I was going to take my life. (notice I said "if") Insane or what!!

I was in an alley that night when I decided enoughs enough. The alcohol and drugs just weren't taking away the mental/emotional pain anymore. I pulled the trigger after putting the gun to my heart. It didn't fire--the safety was on. I flipped it off, put the gun to my heart again, but it didn't fire this time either--no bullet in the chamber. I know now that God, my Higher Power now as I understand Him intervened. I called a crisis center and got committed to a state hospital instead of a cemetery plot.

I was discharged from it in october of 1973. Drank once in awhile, starting about 15 minutes after I got out of there. Insane or what? How soon I "forgot what had already happened". How convenient!!!

There was no fun in it tho--fortunately. In a dump of an apartment in may of 1974 after drinking a couple of beers the night before I, through nothing I had ever tried to accomplish, had a Spiritual Awakening. At that time it was "only" in terms that I had hurt a lot of people, myself included, and the women I had been living with and had lost some good jobs. But that almost did the job for me. I poured the left over beer down the sink, went out to my sponsors' house and told him what I'd been doing. He said: "Jim, you little son of a bitch, I've been hoping you'd make it back".

But, in June, 1974, I found myself having reservation.So I went into one of my old watering holes, one of my favorites, ordered a beer sat there staring at it like it was a frigging martian or something. lol Forced myself to drink part of it. That was hard to do--drink any of it, that is. The beer tender was used to me chugging my drinks, asked me what was going on, was I suicidal again? I said: that was my last drink. She said: Jim, I've heard that one before, from a lot of people that come in here. I said: yeah, well, I mean it this time. That was june 22, 1974.

I've been through a great deal since then, but have not found it "necessary" to pick up a drink or a drug. Through the grace of God and AA and me doing my part. I haven't done it by myself, but no one has done it for me either. That oughta start some controversy.

The above could be read when you all wanna take a nap. Ta ta for now folks.

Love In Sobriety,
Jim S. (cznit24@charter.net)