Trudging with Adrian on his road to a happy destiny!

My Story

From the very beginning, I came from a dysfunctional alcoholic family. The Father drank an this was the norm to be a man (rights of passage so to speak). The mother was frowned apon for interfering with his drinking. Lord knows she gave him hell for it. Only time is was peaceful when he wasn't there, I am the elder of four boys competing for attention, But they had none to give. The only attention I got was a clip over the ear for not doing what I was told.

The master was confused with his drinking anyway, he didn't know what he was doing, so he lashed out with physical an mental abuse. I t seemed that I was the only one he could hit, the others got off, an they used it too.... against me to get there own way maybe it was my sensitiveness an fear that got me that way. The thing I know today is you cant get well living in fear all the time, I proven that one! So I was in search for the truith and if I could't find it then I would drink, so I was always in a catch 22 situation. caught in the web of trying to find the answer, when I was drunk all the time, well I know today while drinking you won't find it, but I wasn't that smart I was in the grips of hopelessness.

I was put down every chance the parents had soon as I picked up some confidence... there at me again, there job they believe is to reduce me to a pawn before I got on top an did I believe them. Yes Sir 3 bags full sir. I had no idea of choice I was living in fear... I don't hate them today.... thats all they knew struggling along doing what there parents did before them. thats what they were taught. The product of self denial, manipulation, control they didn't ant to be put down by some child seeing the truith.. that rocks the boat an causes you think of yaself!!!
So what I was always saying ....it aint my fault, but I gave them hell for there actions an appeard angry all the time, holding onto it as if it was yesterday with great resentment. I learned in this programme you cant change anyone or any situation that happened in the pass, but what I did was forgive the pass an the all the people an become a better understanding person. I needed to do it for myself or I would perish.

The drinking acomplished nothing but getting drunk. I lived in fear an was stripped of my self respect, my dignity an self awareness it took me to places that I would never go sober. I hated myself an felt everyone hate me too. I fought an argued an denied an resented big time. All i thought it would fix me... from looking at or facing myself, I couldn't be right at anything I said,just got into self defense mode, all the time while drinking, an if i wasn't then ... I pretty sure be after in a matter of time.

I was broken and had enough and didn't know what to do, i would drop to my knees an wept often in frustration. The wife saw me she was sick of my sick poor me atitude an self put downs she wanted to put me out of me misery. Famous words,' what am i gunna do ' ...She hated that !.. I was after attention but it didn't work anymore the begging for it wore out long ago. I was defeated all the tricks gone. it was hopeless. So I was told don't come home here anymore..my house we shared I thought in anger. So I went to the club on the way home from work (they musta known I was having trouble) on the verge of losing that too. I got of work early an went to the club didn't take the car.

I think I was planning a suicide, I think, stagged in front of a train I thought about of drinking that was the plan. In my drinking some stranged things happened, one the bartender said go home you have had enough as if it was God saying it to me, I felt weird an strange like never before, (thinkin how am I gunna go home if I am planning not too) I was so drunk that little glimmer got thru with some sence, shaking my head in amazement. So I walked home across the raillway track thru the swamp an sat in it an cried 'God help Me' I wanna go home. (Will they ever love me ...I thought)

It was raining an I stunk an I arrived on the doorstep an I was welcomed with where the hell you been You better have a shower, your drunk an you stink!!!! She called AA in the morning. Some woman came an spoke to me about hope an belief of a better life.
Like a mangy dog an little fight left in me..I listened an was scared an I went to my first AA meeting an I am so grateful.. that I did my life has changed since then, no longer does the nightmares haunt me, what was the truith?. I put the drink an have not picked up since an that was 27th July 1984, my Dads birthday, didn't know it was his until a few years ago. An I realise now It was the beginning of my life.

The first thing I noticed when I came into these rooms was that they listened to me an were not critical or judgemental. Everything changed into hope an belief of turning into a new person. I have gained so much from this programme, doing the steps, I was a slow learner. I had to discover that things change to being positive an I can truily say with acceptance that I am getting better in myself everyday. I have choice today an can take care an feel loving today towards myself an others. Deal with situations that I couldn't before. I can accept myself an all my powerlessness.

Let Go an Let God an I can work with people without fear of hurts. Its a long process this journey but its exciting learning about mysef an others sharing strength an hope. Far beyond my wildest dreams. I embrace life on lifes terms with its rocky roads an joys. Something always comes out right after a hard time. The worst it gets the better its outcome, I have found, so I have learned a lot not to beat myself up when theres no hope, because thru the hp (I call God) there has to be light at the end of the tunnel....Always!!!! even if I cant see it.. its there! Just because I cant see it doesn't mean its not there!!! it is.

Life goes on.. I lost a mother in 1992 an that was so horrific ,,thanks to this programme I had skills an you people were there to help me.. an the same for my younger brother whom I feared he was better than me in 1999.. God bless their souls...

I been free from all this for ages. My sponsor always said theres no excuse ..so great to excuse you to drink ..... I have found that so true. Living one day at a time or a minute sometimes. The pass is history an the future is a mystery.. Its best in the present, my mind can be clear to face anything thats in my path with the help of my High Power. Surrender to win Is so true to live up to!!! Life goes on in the living don't pick up a drink ya cant get drunk.

Self acceptance has played a huge step in my life and the willingness is the key. So as I look back I am truly grateful for everyone who has been in my path to get me where I am today. Most days Happy Joyous an free. It's one programme that lives up to it's name and We are all friends even if we havent met, trudging together on our happy road of Destiny, May God bless you an keep you -- until then.

ThankYou .... Adrian (ADONis4888)