Margy M's climb from alcoholic despair to joyous freedom!

I am an alcoholic-gratefully, sober and free to-day.

Here is a little of my story



I never remember liking myself-was always trying to be someone else. Just always felt as if my skin never fitted.As a child I picked up the mask of the laughing clown,but I always felt so alone.Alone even amongst others.I tried so hard to please others.



That very first drink made me fell different-I loved the effect.It took me away from me.I lost my inhibitions and partied.From then onwards I was looking for the next opportunity to party.I left school and went nursing-the old days with my nursing mates were fun.I had several different circles of friends,so there was always some one to party with and someone to look out for me.I met my husband to be when I was 22.We both drank the same way-that was what we had in common.I believe that, thankfully, shift work and later,our four babies,put the breaks on my drinking-slowed the progression of my alcoholism.



There were times when I did drink during those pregnancies-only planned to have one or two but ended up having a drunk as usual.When my babies were born I didn’t count their fingers and toes,I checked that they didn’t have the features of alcoholic foetal syndrome.I was disgusted and ashamed of myself.



My drinking changed after the birth of our fourth child.We had shifted to a small country town and my husband was working away most of the time.I started drinking daily and alone.I was organising my children’s routine around my drinking.It quickly got to the stage where myself and my four pre school children would all have an afternoon nap so that I could function in the evening.They would be put to bed again early and I would drink into oblivion.



Once the school routine started I found I had to change my drinking pattern.I knew if I was at home I would drink,so I got busy, busy, busy. I kept myself busy in the community so that I wasn’t drinking until the afternoon.Then I would be behind my closed doors doing what I had to do-drinking, drinking, drinking-thinking, thinking, thinking and slowly going crazy.



Although I was telling the world that life was wonderful,I was slowly dying.I was in complete denial.I wanted to believe that things were going to get better-‘when this and this and this happened……’.But nothing changed,because nothing changed.I couldn’t sit still with me-it had become too painful. POUR ME!!!!!I now very rarely drank socially.If I did I was well on the way before I went out.My drunkardness did not fit well with my facade.



In the last three years of my drinking I just accepted that I was an alcoholic-I could not survive a day without drinking.I was convinced I was weak and totally helpless.I had my funeral planned.My greatest fear was that my autopsy would show death due to my alcoholism.My darkest secret would be no more.I use to say to my God-do something!!! Fix my drinking, fix my dysfunctional marriage, fix me and the world. POUR ME!!!!!



In August 1999 I was diagnosed with a cancer.What a wake up call.I couldn’t deny it was there.It was real and part of me.I had to look at me and I got a glimpse of my reality.l had to make some radical changes to survive.I actually thought my cancer might be the answer to my drinking.So out went the wine casks,out went the fags and eventually out went my husband.In came an attempt at positive thinking, people whom I had distanced myself from (they wouldn’t let me push them away), meditation,better diet and heaps more.I thought I was doing really well but my heart knew different.In retrospect I think I became the ever ‘smiling depressive’ If only you really knew……….the craziness of my head.



I had changed to drinking beer,reasoning that beer was less harmful than wine.That was O.K. because I was too crook to drink much when I was having chemo-it just came back up (while I tried to drink more!!!)I got physically better.I am alcoholic-need I say more - when my treatment finished and I began to feel better, my drinking escalated again .BUT

it was different.I had lost the luxury of being able to put that 1st drink off till later in the day.I pretty well became a top up drunk- A ball of misery. Physically, mentally and spiritually empty.

My 15 year old daughter was disgusted and ashamed of me. She said she wished I was dead. My 13 year old daughter became my care giver and my 2 younger children just had no understanding.



I became fearful that I would lose my children and it was this fear that was to get me through the doors of AA.In December I surrendered and told my God that I would go to AA.It was here that I discovered there was a solution to my drinking.I listened to your stories and they touched my soul.I felt safe and knew I belonged.I was prepared to do anything, anything that would make my life better.You told me that it was odaat. How simple (‘why hadn’t I thought of that!), to keep coming back AND- there was that serenity prayer on the wall,that was to become my mantra in those early days,especially when the going got tough.



I can’t say it was easy in those early days.I tried to do it on my own.It was not until I reached out my hand and shared just a bit of how broken I was and how awful my reality had become, that my journey in recovery began.I guess I had to become honest,open and willing,to the best of my ability,to start to get well.From that time on,I stayed into the middle of AA-don’t want to be anywhere else to-day.I have stuck close to members who have the sobriety I want and,to the main part,did as they have suggested.Initially it was all those simple slogans I tried to put into my life.Now the steps are revealing who I am and I am becoming a better person. (I have discovered the problem has always been and remains ME!!!)The traditions are teaching me how to live in a world with other people.



This fellowship has given me life and this life has a ripple effect so different from old.

There is laughter in my home where once there was only gloom. Hope where there was despair.Faith through the good and tough times. And love of self and others.I know I am only ever alone if I choose to be.I am an alcoholic,BUT I have been blessed to find the solution to all my problems, in what I believe to be the God given program of AA. I am a very grateful, recovering alcoholic.

And yes I will keep coming back,

Marg